I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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