Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
