you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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