All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm like, not good at living.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
