new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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