apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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