How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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