Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
honey bunches of taint.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
