Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she woke up with a sticky ear
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just found a bag of teeth...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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