John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
