Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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