You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
