I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Bring me that man meat
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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