i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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