I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you remember whose house we're in?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
