i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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