my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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