When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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