He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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