I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
