i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
