if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need a beard to bite.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
