you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
