dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
