So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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