im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
