There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
