everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let's get the cat blown out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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