I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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