What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
