my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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