dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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