woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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