My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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