Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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