I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
