Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
