she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
