She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
