I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
