God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
