Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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