She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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