There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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