isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
