Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
