i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
