imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
