Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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