Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
