once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
