I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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