I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
