when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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