I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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