I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
