In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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