our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
