Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
