So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
