my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i now understand why vodka
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
